Redirecting…
As per the ongoing priority restructuring brought about by Project Beluga, SCP-001 has been designated Irrelevant/Beta. Those who have been assigned with SCP-001's containment have already had their duties issued privately.
This article bears more immediate importance to the orders in your inbox.
Remember: We cannot afford to be distracted in the face of this crisis.
Item #: SCP-UBU
Object Class: Tiamat
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-UBU must be neutralized by any means necessary. Neutralization efforts are ongoing via Project Beluga. All non-critical resources have been diverted into Project Beluga as needed. Further information & strategic resources are restricted to Project Beluga staff.
Description: SCP-UBU refers to a violent and extremely hostile humanoid entity that appeared in Kangaatsiaq, Greenland, on May 12th, 2588.
The sudden materialization of SCP-UBU coincides with an ongoing ΩK/A-class Augmented "End-of-Death" scenario1. This was believed to be a separate phenomenon until the stream of regenerative lambda waves was triangulated to SCP-UBU.
This event also coincided with the following phenomena:
- A mass loss of function for all SCP-2578-D, SCP-3319, and other objects operated by the Three Moons Initiative.
- The cessation of all further SCP-2922 communications.
- The severance of the extradimensional space known as the Wanderer's Library from Earth. A representative of the Serpent's Hand cited "irreconcilable security concerns" in the decision.
- Several incidents in which a representative of Marshall, Carter, & Dark, having gained access to the O5 Council's personal contact information through unknown means, desperately tried to sell the Foundation large amounts of the company's stock.
- The place that must never have the same name twice SCP-40002 losing all anomalous properties. A small parchment note reading "Good luck!" was found in the entryway.
- SCP-3008 being anomalously bought out by an unknown proprietor and slowly converted into a shelter.
In addition to anomalously high physical strength and speed, SCP-UBU has reality-bending capabilities to an unknown extent — usually triggered by screaming or slapping. Defensively, it has remained unscathed from the following damage sources:
- Blunt force trauma.
- Sustained heavy-caliber machine gun fire.
- Temperatures of 1,600 Kelvin.
- Sustained artillery fire.
- A direct energy discharge from SCP-B7B8.
- ██ simultaneous direct nuclear strikes.3
The only lasting damage to SCP-UBU occurred on 8/14/2784, when the entity chewed off its left thumb out of apparent curiosity. This resulted in SCP-UBU emitting a single scream that lasted seven days, after which it went into a month-long fit of crying and sobbing. The thumb completely regenerated after thirty years and fourteen days.
Anatomy: The entity is 4.3 meters in height; an exact estimate of its mass remains unknown, but measurement attempts during its brief containment displayed a minimum recorded weight of 15,399 kilograms. Though its anatomical composition remains unknown, SCP-UBU's bodily shape is consistent with an obese, androgynous humanoid. It is covered in hairless, pure white skin that bears a similar texture to that of a dolphin or other small whale.
Despite being devoid of eyes, ears, or nostrils, SCP-UBU is fully capable of vision, hearing, and smell. The only apparent sensory organ on its body other than skin is a .5-meter-wide humanoid mouth with a prehensile tongue of indeterminate length. There is a cloaca on its lower body for expelling waste.
Behavior: SCP-UBU does not appear to understand speech in any known language. While it is capable of vocalizations, the majority of them are used for screaming, laughter, and intrigued babbling.
Ever since its arrival, SCP-UBU has been devoted to causing as much destruction as possible. Though SCP-UBU will attack anything indiscriminately, SCP-UBU shows preference in assaulting and devouring human beings in densely populated areas. It takes an infantile and curious approach to violence, often "playing" with its victims for hours on end.
The regenerative effect brought about by SCP-UBU's presence has eliminated the possibility of doing permanent damage to anything other than civil infrastructure and property. Ergo, whether there is any greater motive to its rampages other than sadism is unknown.
SCP-UBU Timeline
5/12/2588, 0533 GMT: A four-kiloton explosion accompanied by an electromagnetic pulse destroys the town of Kangaatsiaq, Greenland. Survivors recall a "pale green light" enveloping the area.
0615 GMT: ΩK/A-class scenario begins, triggering widespread panic.
0846 GMT: O5 command holds an emergency meeting to address a potential ΩK-class scenario.
1105 GMT: First sightings of SCP-UBU reported.
5/15/2588, 1200 GMT: In order to properly address the regenerative effect, the Foundation's veil is lifted as per the Broken Masquerade protocol. O5-1 makes a statement to the UN.
5/20/2588: SCP-UBU arrives in St. John's, Newfoundland, beginning a two-year rampage throughout the city.
5/21/2588: Mobile Task Force Nu-7 "Hammer Down" engages SCP-UBU in St. John's.
7/4/2590: 90% of the onsite personnel have been mutilated and regenerated at least five times. As such, MTF Nu-7 deserts St. John en masse in protest of "anomalously poor working conditions". SCP-UBU uses the opportunity to break through the defensive line.
10/10/2590: Project Beluga is founded as a joint effort between the Foundation and the Global Occult Coalition for the purpose of neutralizing the threat posed by SCP-UBU.
12/29/2590: SCP-UBU reaches Columbus, Ohio. It spends the next year on the following project:
- Digging a two-kilometer-deep hole in the center of the city,
- Gathering 2.9 million people to throw into the hole,
- Repeatedly leaping into the upper stratosphere and stomping into the hole, and
- Drinking the resulting squeezed juices.
It eventually grows bored with this and moves on to Lake Erie.
1/5/2592: SCP-UBU assaults several cargo ships in Lake Erie. Twenty ships are thrown out of Earth's gravitational pull. Two of them land on the Moon.
[truncated for brevity]
6/10/2670, 0600 GMT: SCP-UBU is finally contained at Site-59.
6/10/2670, 0602 GMT: SCP-UBU breaches containment; subsequent retrieval attempts fail.
9/9/2673: SCP-UBU spends 73 days rubbing its crotch against the Statue of Liberty while howling. (It should be noted that SCP-UBU lacks any sort of visible genitalia.)
2/10/2674: The Schenectady Agreement is signed between NATO powers, the Russian Federation, the People's Republic of China, the Foundation, and the Global Occult Coalition. As such, due to environmental concerns, further nuclear strikes are prohibited against SCP-UBU. Shortly after signing, SCP-UBU breaks into the ceremony and makes a bead necklace out of a few lengths of woven rebar and fifteen still-living foreign dignitaries.
4/30/2674: SCP-UBU assaults Site-19 —10/30/2685: SCP-UBU breaks into Armed Containment Area-179 and swallows SCP-2317 whole.6
3/5/2686: Following SCP-UBU's assault, SCP-2000 has been reclassified "neutralized."
[truncated for brevity]
3/15/2750: Former film star Nash De Groot publishes "the Zonk Manifesto", a book built on the following thesis: immortality and SCP-UBU's rampages have made life on earth intolerable, and the only solution is to enter an eternal coma via guided meditation & hard drugs. As such, a social movement known as "The International Zonk" gains traction.
6/24/2790: After a lengthy battle with Project Beluga forces in China, SCP-UBU grows bored and retreats into the Bay of Bengal. This marks a three-year absence of SCP-UBU, save for continual underwater seismic events during that time.
2/15/2792: Cuddletopia, the largest Zonk Pile7 so far, reaches its initial goal of five million residents and counting.
7/10/2793: SCP-UBU flings SCP-3000 from the ocean, leaving it beached on Indian soil. Several cities are destroyed in the process. After spending a week pointing and laughing hysterically at SCP-3000, SCP-UBU grabs the end of its tail and begins dragging it across Asia.
8/1/2793: Still carrying SCP-3000, SCP-UBU crosses the Bering Strait into Alaska.
8/29/2793: SCP-3000 and SCP-UBU arrive on the eastern coast of Brazil. SCP-UBU drags its cargo into the ocean once again.
8/30/2793: SCP-169 emerges. Reports that SCP-3000 had been "tied around its neck" have yet to be proven.
[truncated for brevity]
12/10/3020: The fight between SCP-UBU and SCP-169 ends when the former slaps the latter in the same way as SCP-682. SCP-169 has been reclassified "neutralized."
12/11/3020: A ten-year period of inactivity from SCP-UBU begins. At this point, despite global immortality, the resulting collateral damage has rendered the surface of the Earth uninhabitable and entirely underwater. Civilization carries on in a single archipelago of floating cities made from ships and debris.
5/28/3028: The archipelago is deserted. The Foundation's SCPS Naismith contains the only 140 remaining humans who haven't moved to New Zonkland8.
1/14/3030: SCP-UBU sighted in the water off the port bow of the Naismith. It vocalizes mockingly before swimming in the direction of New Zonkland. The O5 Council calls an emergency meeting…
Meeting Transcript — Re: SCP-UBU sighting
Date: 1/14/3030
Time: 0105 GMT
Location: SCPS Naismith, Conference Room A<Begin Log>
O5-2: Calling roll. O5-1?
O5-1: Present.
O5-2: O5-2, that's me. O5-3?
O5-1: Missing.
O5-2: O5-4?
O5-4: (Remains silent.)
O5-2: O5-5?
O5-1: Missing. So's Six through Ten. Hurry it up!
O5-2: Eleven?
O5-11: Hmm.
O5-2: Twelve and Thirteen?
O5-4: Blew their heads off. …again.
O5-2: (Exasperated sigh.) Well, when they get up, tell them we need to conserve that ammunition.
O5-1: What we "need" is a fucking plan!
O5-4: You don't say. If only someone would hold a meeting about it.
O5-1: You know what I mean!
O5-2: One, that's enough.
O5-1: Yes. It is.
O5-11: We haven't exhausted all of our anomalous options for neutralizing UBU. Where's the Corncrake?
O5-2: We've been over this, Laurence! Throwing the Corncrake in this mess is only going to -
O5-4: It's anchored 57 klicks due southeast.
O5-2: …Four, why the hell did you tell him that?
O5-4: Because we're out of wine. Goodbye, everyone.
(O5-4 pulls out a pistol and shoots herself in the right temple. Chunks of her skull land on O5-1, who brushes them off in disgust.)
O5-1: Not the time or place, Four!
(O5-4's free hand raises a middle finger.)
O5-11: Well, friends? It seems the Omega-K has had us up and about so long that our personalities have run out of the fuel we were given from birth. In all likelihood, we'd see better professionalism and teamwork in New Zonkland.
O5-2: …as a matter of fact, that's a good segue into what I was about to propose.
(O5-11 stands up.)
O5-11: Then frankly, I hope you find the nicest, cleanest spots in the mass grave.
O5-1: Where are you going?!
O5-11: That depends, which way is southeast?
<End Log>
